My Subconcious Act

Everyone has an outlet to release their stress or anxiety. I discovered that my outlet always relates to a serene and calming location. Most would assume that I retreat to my bedroom in order release my stress. In fact, it may seem like the most logical place to go to. It's a confined space, and it's my own space. But whenever I get anxious, the last place I want to be is in a confined space. I feel claustrophobic and jittery. So I always leave my house to find a quiet spot to just be alone. In doing so, I've come across several "hidden treasures" where I could just breathe in the fresh air and let my thoughts take over. These spots are usually isolated state parks or trails far off the beaten path. I've come to find that being on the move all the time, driving around just to discover these parks or trails calms me. When I get to the destination, I forget all my troubles and just marvel in all the beauty around me. To me, there is nothing more beautiful than sitting alone on top of a hill and staring into the vast greatness of an undisturbed valley. There is nothing more soothing than to just sit on the shore of a lake and listen to nature as it goes about its business around me. Even if I have nothing to be stressed about (and I have nothing better to do) I always have the urge to just drive and find an location isolated from the hustle and bustle of the city. I never really understood why, and even if I have my theories I probably will never understand why it's so important for me to be alone in scenic areas.

One theory I have is because I've been exposed to moving constantly. My father used to be in the Navy and as a result my family never stayed in one location for too long. While my father was still active, the most we lived in one place would be four years. It was hectic, it was stressful and at times it was frustrating. We never knew where we would move next until a month or so before my father would get his orders. Because my mother wanted us to stay together as a family, my siblings and I didn't have a choice as to whether or not we wanted to move. So it was always hard to say good-bye to the friends we made. It was nerve-wracking to try and make new friends where ever we moved to. One day, when it was decided that we were to move again, I decided that I wanted to be alone and take a walk around the neighborhood and enjoy the area while I still could. I was anxious about the move because I had grown fond of the place where we had been living at and I didn't want to move anymore. I was tired of it.

So I took a walk to calm my nerves, and came across a path that was partially covered by the overgrown foliage surrounding it. Curious, I decided to walk along the path. I realized that I should have been afraid. I didn't know where this path would lead me nor did I know if it was safe. But I wasn't afraid and allowed the sounds of nature (the buzzing of the insects and the chirping of the birds) overtake me. I followed the path up to a clearing that was surrounded by the forest. It was beautiful and I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and happiness wash over me. It was probably the happiest I had ever felt. In that moment, I realized how much I appreciated the raw, natural beauty of mother nature. I didn't and could never think of anything more beautiful to rival that of nature.

Which leads me to my next theory on why I have to seek places closely tied to mother nature in order to find peace. The naturalness and calmness of nature stirs something within me. I think it's because it's so bare and undisturbed or undiscovered which appeals to me. Knowing that there is a small piece of nature left that hasn't been paved over by asphalt, weighed down upon by buildings or deafened by city noise sparks hope in me. Hope, that while physically I am exposed to the everyday bustle of city living, that within myself there is a serenity tied closely with raw nature. A sense if isolation that doesn't depict loneliness but beauty.

Even as I write this, it's hard to describe the feelings I get whenever I sit by myself in an isolated park or trail. It's definitely something I believe everyone should try at least once.

What are the Benefits of Staying?

5.  Why don't you "escape" when you have a job or life circumstance you don't like?  (Make sure you answer this question in terms of one’s public or professional sphere.)  What, besides the simple need to earn a living, causes someone to stay in less than favorable circumstances?  What might be the connection to our character or professional ethics (i.e. is there a way to have a stronger sense of self, in order to ensure that we are either satisfied or not negative about the conditions of our work environment)?

Over the past few years I have worked for a variety of employers. I've been in food service, retail, and filed medical records. Each job had its perks and its downsides. Other than the basic need to earn a living, I found there were legitimate reasons why I kept a job even if I didn't like it. The jobs I used to have were very secure. They were either big corporations or large franchises and therefore didn't have the risk of going out of business. However, I would play with the idea of "what if". What if I had worked for an independent or privately owned company or restaurant? There usually isn't a guarantee that privately owned businesses will always do well. The idea of being fired or working for a privately owned business that eventually goes out of business was what usually troubled me. The unknown is what kept me from venturing from applying to the jobs I knew were secure. While owners may embellish their privately owned businesses with appealing promises, I knew better than to trust carefully chosen words to draw in the naive. I needed proof that the job I applied for would keep me employed for years on end. As far as work goes, I like to think of myself as a practical person and therefore I need to put myself in practical situations. While I believe that everyone develops a strong sense of self in order to ensure that they are satisfied with our work conditions, I think that it takes time to do so. I think that satisfaction also stems from acclimation. I feel that in order to get a strong sense of self in the workplace, one must understand how to handle and cope with job situations that they have learned to get used to.

From a personal viewpoint, I find it harder to escape from an unfavorable circumstance than to escape from a job I didn't like. To reiterate, I always applied to jobs that I knew would be secure and thus I didn't worry about finding a job that couldn't support my lifestyle. Relationships were a different story. I had been in relationships that were great at the best of times and bad at the worst of times. The last relationship I was in lasted a few years with a man who I assumed was "the one". The relationships I had previously been in couldn't compare. When the relationship started to go sour I tried to ignore it at first. Thinking about it now, I realized a big part of the reason why I wanted to stay in the relationship was because I was afraid of being alone. I knew that the longer I stayed in the relationship and made excuses for it made me diminish my sense of self. I came to the realization the more I made excuses for my ex the further I was taken away from myself. I would bend and mold my personality into something that I wouldn't recognize only for the sake of keeping the relationship alive as it had once been. I also knew that I stayed in the relationship because I wasn't sure what would happen to the both of us. Since the relationship had lasted for a few years, we had learned to be dependent on each other. We had grown to accustomed to the other that it was hard to imagine creating the same relationship we had developed with another person. Ultimately, I did end the relationship and I would be lying if I said that I didn't think about the "what if's". What if I had just tried a little harder to make the relationship work? What if I had just been the person he wanted me to be? In the end, I knew I made the right choice to end the relationship because I needed to understand that my sense of self and happiness is incredibly important.

In essence, I believe it is the fear of the unknown that keeps most of us from leaving a situation that we don't like. Through experience, I've come to interpret our society as something that needs security. While one of the main reasons is based on the benefits towards making a living, it's comforting to know that security is known to be tangible enough that there is no need to be fearful. I find it more tolerable to endure the downside of a job than worry about what will happen to me if I had just left the situation. I found the more I would fight through the tougher aspects of the job, I would develop a tolerance for it. I also believe that while the downside of the job may exist, the perks are stronger. If there wasn't anything appealing about the job, there wouldn't be a reason to apply for it. I think that a job is more tolerable as long as the benefits of the job are focused upon.